Friday, June 8, 2012

The Road to Allipalooza


Two years ago before the idea of Allipalooza was even conceived I spent most of my time in my laz-y-boy chair waiting to die.   My friend Tracy and fellow ovarian young adult survivor told me about a canoe trip in Colorado that she was putting together for single cancer survivors.  I was so tempted to go on this trip, but kept saying how impossible it was due to my current medical condition.  Tracy really felt that I needed to attend this trip and kept talking to me about it.   Thankfully I agreed.   I learned so much about myself on that trip.  Most importantly that my health does not have to stop me from doing things I love   I also learned that you can feel like shit and still have fun.  Here is link to a blog I wrote when I returned.  http://www.redhheadedbaldchic.blogspot.com/2010/09/lessons-learned-from-colorado.html

2nd Annual Solo Survivors Trip - August 2011
I left that trip energized to find that something missing in my life - that drive to want to live again and follow my dreams.  I have become close friends with several people I met on the trip that are constant sources of support for me.  That first canoe trip in 2010 was the impetus of many changes in my life and outlook and was a predecessor to Allipalooza. 

Floating down the river - August 2011

This year Solo Survivors is hosting a 3 day rafting & camping trip on the Colorado River August 18-20.  Early bird registration is $75 until 7/6/12 and then cost is $100  http://raftingrejuvenation.eventbrite.com/

I challenge all my single friends that are cancer survivors to start their own "palooza" by going on this trip.

If you are not single or unable to attend please consider supporting Solo Survivors by spreading the word about the trip to all single survivors.  The participant cost of the trip is just a fraction of the total cost that Solo Survivors pays to host this trip. Will you consider donating $20 to help a single survivor have the opportunity to have an experience like my own?     http://www.crowdrise.com/solo-survivors/

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Recap of Allipalooza-Southwest

(written on 4/11)
I am sitting on a plane headed back to Maryland and to the real world. In the two weeks I have been gone I have experienced life in a new way.

Not only was I able to be a part of an incredible event for young adults affected by cancer but I was able to cross off a few places I've wanted to see and test myself on traveling alone for almost ten days.

This trip was incredible - a once in a lifetime opportunity. To be honest I was a little nervous about striking out on my own driving around some remote place in the country. Compounded with concerns from well meaning people I left Vegas a bit gun shy.

The first night that I camped in Zion I crawled in the van at sunset, locked all the doors and stayed inside until the sun rose again. I was very lucky to have a gorgeous view of Watchmen Peak from my bed and didn't feel as though I was missing out on anything.

It wasn't until two nights later when staying in Bryce that I was outside when it was dark and realized the starry sky and full moon I had missed out on the previous nights.

This brings to mind a question about how often we miss out on life because we are afraid to take risks. Too many times in my life, especially the last few years I let my fear overcome my desire for something. Not everything went as planned during my trip and my wallet is a little lighter after needing the services of a locksmith (a whole different story), but I am no worse for wear. In fact, I have some great adventures to tell about and memories that I will remember forever and which will shape my future self.

Another thing I realized on my trip is that we are often too busy looking forward or striving for the next accomplishment that we do not give ourselves time to enjoy the here and now. Originally my itinerary included several more destinations. I realized I was not giving myself time to enjoy each location. I found myself in the first few days thinking about what I will see in the other places instead of allowing myself revel in the beauty of where I was. Conversely, it was hard not to compare each new place with the previous sites. Why do we do that? I am happy to say that I was able to overcome these urges and enjoy each day for what and where it was.

I met with a friend last night to share stories about my trip and we talked about how most people do not give themselves time to take trips like this. I have found that society as a whole is always looking toward the next goal and is rarely happy with what we have. If a job is not likely to lead you to a better position it is a waste if time. If you are single you should be looking for a potential spouse to settle down. I find that sentence to have a key word in it -settle. Why should we all settle for anything less than our dreams? At the same point however we can't let dreaming outshine the life we already have.

Several people have told me that I can be selfish, that I often put my own happiness ahead of others. I would challenge that. I'm not sacrificing anyone else's happiness for my own, but that by making my own dreams come true and ensuring my own happiness allows me to give more of myself to others.

I think we too often live the life we think we should live and not the one we want. This too often leads to resentment and unhappiness.

Tomorrow I have to return to the real world of chores, work and paying the bills. Basically life's responsibilities that existed before my trip will have piled up, but that is ok. I had ten glorious days of following my own whims and desires that will fill my dreamer's spirit over the next several months. I guess one message I want to share with each of you is we should always take time to follow our dreams. It will challenge ourselves and not only give us possibly the best experiences of our lives but give us memories to get through life's mundane moments.

In the next week I have several doctor's appointments and knee surgery. I will be on bed rest for several days and will need another round of rehab. Not only will I have this adventure to reflect on but the next part of Allipalooza to look forward to and plan.

As some of you have seen I have a name and a logo for my adventures. My tagline for Allipalooza is exploration, challenge and adventure to the core of discovery. What is your logo and slogan for your life? If you could have your own adventure what would it be? Tomorrow is not guarantee. Take advantage of today and create your own "palooza".

Peace, love and hope

Alli

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The lure of Sin City....and a fortune.

Today I drove the final leg of Allipalooza-Southwest. I arrived in Las Vegas which meant a real bed and a shower. Along with the comforts of a hotel room came the distractions that all casinos in Las Vegas offer. After spending a few more hours in solitude I met a friend for a drink.

In additional to the nightly rate for the hotel room I had to pay a $15 resort fee. In exchange for this fee I received two $15 drink coupons. It is really only a way to encourage you to spend more money.

Since I was down on casino level after meeting my friend I decided to try my luck on the slots. On my last visit to Vegas in February I won a hundred dollars so I thought I maybe the gambling Gods would be with me again. After trying several machine two things were obvious to me. First, just because one machine won before does not mean it would be a winner a second time. Second, there is a reason you should only take a select amount of money with you to casino versus having your wallet with you. For some reason I question spending $80 on a pair of hiking boots, but when you put a twenty in a couple different slot machines it does not seem like a lot. After losing more money than I want to admit I decided to cash in my free drink ticket. Since I was drinking alone I decided to try my hand at the slot machine at the bar. Since my coupon was equivelnt to $15 I was given two drinks. Soon after I started playing the slot machine it randomly won over $150. The smart thing would have been to cash out, take my drinks and call it a night. The casino bets that you will not do the smart thing. I still had $15 dollars of fake money in front of me so I continued to press the buttons and bet money that really was not mine to begin with (or was i?t).

I started the bargaining we all use when gambling. "okay, I might be up but if it paid out now, it will pay out more". So I kept pressing the buttons. Sometimes I won and some times I lost. I kept bargaining with myself that I would stop when my balance hit a certain amount. However, whenever I hit that amount I still had more half a drink to consume so I kept going. I told myself it was no big deal since it was just gambling and the money was not really mine regardless of the dollars I already fed into the other machines.

Finally my credits and glass were empty and I decided it was time to call it a night. Since I had already had consumed four more drinks than normal (which is zip) I figured I should eat something. I went to the food court and ordered some Chinese food. Along with my entree I received a fortune cookie. My fortune tonight is "Beware of an offer that sounds too good be true". This seems applicable to my evening. Free drinks are only a ploy for you to spend more money. I might not have spent the money on alcohol, in reality I was the casino's ideal guest. Instead of alcohol I consumed the lure of winning.

Even now as I sit in my room and type this I am tempted to go downstairs to redeem my remaining $15 drink coupon and take my chances at the slots. The question of the day is "Will I take advantage of the coupon or call it an early night and rip it up?".

I will let you decide which path I choose.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Beauty of the High Southwest

Yesterday I stood on the rim of the Grand Canyon. I've seen many amazing sites among nature, but I think the Grand Canyon may be one of the most spectacular I have witnessed. As I walked along the rim trail I kept thinking about how small I feel compared to the vastness of the Grand Canyon. I have been stunned by the beauty if nature I have seen in the last week. To some the colored rocks might be devoid of the beauty one sees in the vibrant colors of the Redwood Forest or the shimmering lakes and rivers in Glacier. After seeing all of these places in person I venture to say that they all behold a special kind of beauty.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Life Elevated

Yesterday l was driving near the Utah /Arizona border towards Lake Powell. As I crossed back over Utah's state line I read their welcome sign and their motto is "Life Elevated". I imagine this refers to the high elevation and the peaks and buttes. For me, it took on a different meaning. The thing that came to mind was elevated thinking. This week while surrounded by such beauty I have been very reflective on my life and purpose. Last Saturday I moderated a session at OMG called "Are you there God? It's me cancer". While I think the session could have gone better we talked about a greater purpose in life.

Over the past few years I have questioned my purpose and lessons learned from my journey with cancer. Life was not perfect before cancer and while some good things have come from my cancer experience, on a whole it sucked. It makes me angry that all the attendees at OMG are effected by cancer in some way. One of the comforting thoughts is that maybe some of the 550 people in that theater last weekend were touched, inspired and maybe instilled with a little bit of hope. I pray that those that arrived in Vegas for the Summit feeling alone left with a sense of kinship with their fellow attendees and formed new friendships to rely on throughout the rest of their journey with this horrible disease.

There have been times since I got cancer that I felt alone, felt that no one else could possibly have gone through the same shit. I no longer feel that way. What is amazing to me is while I have been on this solo trek this past week I have not felt alone or even lonely. So many people have been following my Facebook updates, my tweets and blog posts that I know that many are traveling with me, if only in spirit. Everyday I have heard from friends, old and new that have wanted to know how it is going and to give me their support.

Each day last weekend I wore an Allipalooza sticker and handed them out to fellow attendees. I shamelessly talked about my upcoming trip and by the end of the weekend people where asking me for stickers. I have pictures with people proudly displaying my logo on their shirts, bags and other possible surfaces. I don't think it was the design or tag line on the stickers that made people want one, but the meaning behind Allipalooza. I think everyone should have their own "palooza". A time of of celebration, challenge and discovery. As I write this post Allipalooza - Southwest is not over, but it has certainly given be a sense of "Life Elevated".

Ok, that is enough contemplation for the day. It is time to explore the Grand Canyon.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Deep thoughts today.

One thing I've learned this week is when you are traveling solo you tend to be more contemplative. There is no one around to distract you and you might think about things you try not to. I've been thinking a lot about my dad. Fourteen years ago my parents came to visit me when I was living in California. After our visit they drove from Central California to Las Vegas and onto Bryce, Zion and the Grand Canyon. It is hard to know that dad visited the same places I am now without being able to talk to him about it. In fact knowing that I will never be able to talk to him again is devastating.

It has been just over 4 months since the day that changed the life of everyone in my family. I will never forget the events on Thanksgiving Day but more importantly I will never forget the conversations I have had with my dad and the times I had with him the past two years. I close this post with a special note to my dad.

Dear dad, I think about you everyday and miss you greatly. I will think about you on Sunday as I walk around the Grand Canyon and I dedicate this trip to you. Love you always.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

A lodge, some lamb and a mule

Since the forecast last night was below 30 degrees and the campground has no power hookups I wimped out and stayed at Bryce Canyon Lodge and treated myself to a nice dinner. The rack of lamb was a far cry from the canned meat I have been eating since Monday.

This morning I took a mule ride down into Bryce Canyon. I thought Bryce was beautiful from above but it is spectacular close up. The hoodoos are amazing. Although my bum hurts and I may never walk the same. My mule Tony was a bit adventurous and liked to walk near the edge of the trail. Considering the cliffs the trail was alongside I was not too fond of this and had to shut my eyes a few times.

I realized last night that for the first time in almost 5 years I don't feel like I have cancer. I still have fatigue and take a nap most days, but that is ok.

This trip and Allipalooza is not about having cancer or even the long term side effects. It is about moving on, testing myself, making dreams come true and figuring out what I want with the rest of my life.

I have second guessed myself a few times on this trip and have made a few stupid decisions like leaving my jacket in the van because it seemed warm but not taking account the wind and elevation change. But that is what life is all about. Making mistakes, learning from them and hopefully not doing them again. Luckily none of my mistakes were bad ones.

Ok, a nap is calling and then I am going to head towards Kanab Utah and hopefully find someplace to camp with a power hookup. Until later.

Peace, live and hope!

Alli